Assertiveness or PUA?
The question for almost every man in the world, especially why they are young is "how do I get the girl I like?" Bang, trigger a million views and opinions on how to get the girl. Someone might say to be yourself, you have to put yourself out there and others I've heard espouse "treat them mean, keep them keen." If you scour the internet you will find hundreds of methods and ways of attracting women. One line of thought is the pickup artistry which I will refer to as PUA from here on.
PUA is a community of men with the aim of attracting women usually for sex. This community meets in forums online and has face to face meetings to work on their skills in the art of the pickup. The ideas are not new and many books have been written on the subject over the years. I think the idea becomes enticing because you join a team with a goal, most men like that. You work on yourself which is also empowering. Where I disagree with PUA is with many the sole aim of all the work is to take a woman home for the night. For a side note, I know there are varying sects and types of PUA. The group I am being critical of are those with the sole aim of picking up women. There were recently headlines made of a man encouraging other men to harass women and violate their personal space (1). These are the groups I am challenging.
I have seen guys in social places go from woman to woman in the room working on the "game" he was taught and it wasn't very genuine. He seemed to grow frustrated as he made the rounds without getting the results he wanted. Instead of trying to connect with someone on a personal level he was playing a numbers game. Women aren't numbers and if you want to connect with them I think the PUA schemes are too calculated and coordinated. Another thing to remember is that women are smart. You can do a Google search and find many articles telling women exactly what the PUA are and what to watch for. Women are smart and can see it from a mile away.
While I agree with the concepts of things like the inner game, the internal pursuit of development to increase one's desirability and outer game, the focus on style and grooming to attract women; where I disagree is the overall aim. I think PUA is limited in what it can achieve and my argument is that assertiveness is a better approach to take.
Becoming more assertive has similarities to PUA. For example, I have written about the importance of external appearance for greater desirability and confidence for a person. Also, developing an assertive mindset requires what you might call "inner game" development to sort through ideas and thoughts that may be holding us back, but the overall aim of assertiveness is about having better relationships.
The connections that PUA creates are shallow, fleeting and meaningless. Assertiveness is built on respect for self and for others and it produces relationships that are healthy. It is respectful to give someone the time to say hello and get to know them on a deeper level, without an agenda for a one-night stand.
Assertiveness isn't just about attracting women, which it does, it is about becoming more attractive in general. You want to be attractive to a potential employer to get the job opportunity you want. Peacocking, negs and other tactics won't help you there. PUA is geared towards one type of outcome and one type of social situation. Becoming assertive is useful in every type of social situation. It is helpful in families, with friends, with colleagues and with strangers. Assertiveness has more depth and as I stated is about building overall relationships with people.
In my experience, I take the same approach with everyone I speak to and interact with. I try to be assertive with everyone I meet. This single approach that is applicable to every social situation makes socialising more simple. The more simple something is the more effective it will be.
If you're a man and have been lured by the world of PUA consider a more simple approach. Consider an approach that will enrich all of your relationships and give you better results in life overall. Becoming assertive is a far better approach to take for life, relationships and for attracting women. Give it a try!
Assertive Life 2016-10-24